This was going to be a very special Mother’s Day. I was going to be bursting with a secret…Gary and I were expecting a baby and it would be due right around January 1, 2000. It was going to be so much fun to tell people about our Y2K baby. I knew it was way too soon, but I was already wondering if I could tell my friends at our last MOPS meeting on May 11. Those women are some of my best friends and I didn’t want them to hear it from someone else after we moved. I wanted to see the looks on their faces and laugh with them about having baby number 4. We were happy and excited about this baby, but our joy turned to sadness and disappointment when I started bleeding this past Tuesday evening. When it first started, I thought maybe it was just spotting and everything would be OK, but it continued on Wednesday and I knew it was over. We went through this once before – between Allison and Blake. I think it was much harder that time. I took a pregnancy test on a Friday night and on Sunday I started bleeding…I spent most of the week on the couch, watching videos with the girls, praying that things would be fine, and crying because I knew they probably wouldn’t be. We went in to the doctor late in the week and had an ultrasound done and the doctor confirmed that it was a miscarriage. I was impressed that even though I wasn’t very far along, my doctor gave me a small booklet about miscarriage and was very understanding. I know that some doctors would think “it’s no big deal” when it happens so soon, but it is a big deal no matter when it happens. My heart goes out to those of you who have carried a baby for many months and then gone through the heartache of losing that child.
This time we didn’t go in to the doctor, I just called and told them what had happened. Even now my head says, “It’s not such a big deal.” My heart is handling it a bit easier than last time, but it is still difficult. It’s easy to start wondering “What did I do wrong?” Was it that heavy box I lifted down from the closet one day? Was it going down the slide with Blake at the park? Did I do something I shouldn’t have? It just does no good to blame myself, but it’s hard to keep thinking positively. We wanted this baby, we were excited about our secret, and we couldn’t wait to share the news. Now, if we share any news at all it will be sad news. Gary told me yesterday that he felt badly for me because it happened so close to Mother’s Day. A happy Mother’s Day? Can I have one? I think so.
In the past few days I have been more aware of the preciousness of my other three children. What a miracle that God gave us Erin, Allison, and Blake. I can’t imagine life without them!
I know God loves me and that He has a wonderful plan for my life. If that includes this disappointment, then I’ll do my best to accept it. It just so “happens” that I checked out a book from our church library on Sunday called, As Silver Refined by Kay Arthur. The cover said “Learning to embrace life’s disappointments” and at the time I wondered why I felt drawn to that book – I had no big disappointments in my life that I could think of. Now, it makes a bit more sense and I’m amazed once again at the way God guides me. I’ve just started reading this book, but I’ve already been encouraged by it. Kay Arthur teaches that God uses big and little disappointments in life to get rid of the impurities in our lives and make us reflect His image – like pure silver. One point I’ve already benefitted from is the idea of changing the word “disappointment” to “His appointment”. It helps to know that God is in control and knows that I’m going through this painful time. Just remembering how He has been faithful in the past helps me to trust Him in the midst of this trial right now.
A happy Mother’s Day? Yes, I know it will be. For weeks now, Erin and Allie have been wrapping “presents” for me and putting them on our dresser. (I have a sneaking suspicion that my hair brush, which has been missing for about a week, is in there somewhere) They’ve made little place cards for the table – each of us is a different animal. They’ve made some cute paper cup goggles. (I’m not sure what those have to do with Mother’s Day, but they had fun making them!) “They like me, they really like me!” 🙂
So, even though this Mother’s Day will be tinged with disappointment and grief for a baby that will not join our family, it will also be a joyful, fun-filled day of celebrating this day with the children God has given us. I will enjoy the precious kids I have, and I will thank God for His love for me.
Happy Mother’s Day!
© Robyn Mulder 1999, therobynsnest.org